Grief Adjacent

I haven't been sleeping all that well since Tuesday. The election results affected me badly. Jet had a great description, "It's grief adjacent." It is grief about my expectations about the world, this nation, and people in general. Though, if you asked me on any particular day, I don't actually believe in the "general" concept of people at all. I also know that a lot of my back brain has been processing, taking things in, and it then runs through a lot of them at night, even on nights after really physical days like the bike ride.

So lack of sleep, an aching body, and something was really affecting my digestive system. These are all things you probably don't get in travel blogs. The downtime realities of travel. It's just the beautiful surfaces. I am guilty of some of that on Facebook, as one only has so much time, so much bandwidth, and can only display so many pictures, so why not the ones that we want to remember?  Why not brighten someone else's day with something beautiful and fun?

Like the actually lovely sound of a toddler running like mad in the room just above ours. It's usually between 7 am and 7 pm that the little guy is cheerfully running about, but as someone who has been a parent, I'm actually treasuring the sounds of a very happy, healthy, and active young child to some of the sounds I've heard from children through hotel walls. And it's kind of cool to realize that I consciously think that every time I hear the patter of feet overhead. It's good training for myself to stay solidly on the side where it isn't a cause for suffering. 

There was a LOT of rain forecast for today, so while we did go out to scout a few things, they were rainy day ideas. One was to just be completely wet and go out and snorkel. These were pools made by a family to protect kids from the surf so that they could learn how to snorkel without getting bowled over. It's in nearer proximity to the working class side of the island, rather than all the tourist resorts. So it's right by the water processing plant, but the pools are upwind of the plant. 

It was actually a pretty promising possibility early, so we thought we might think about it after John's afternoon Zoom meeting. 

We spent the morning at the Kaua'i Museum, which encompassed so many things. There was one room that was devoted to all things having to do with Hawaiian music and hula and all the history of the chants, music, and their religious rituals of word.  One fascinating quote is "In the word is life: in the word is death."  Words were considered powerful, and to be used very carefully. The rigid hierarchical systems of the old ways of Hawaii are in stark contrast to what it feels like today. 

The museum was kind of a jumble. No area was particularly well organized, it was like, "Here's this mass of stuff and we'll just give it to you." With very little organization, though the lack of space probably contributed to some of it. But in other parts there were literal walls of text, sometimes completely disconnected texts all on one wall, and it was so odd compared to how carefully I see most historical museums be curated. 

After the museum, I was hungry and nauseous, both, so we tried to go back to the Saimin shop, but there was a line out the door, so we went to see the Wall of Painted Coconuts. There's a hundred or so of them, all painted in bright colors on this wall by this golf course. It was fun and funny to see. 

When we went back to the saimin place, the line had doubled, so we gave up on it and using our old experiences with Hawaiian food, we actually went to the Japanese grocery store by the Kauai Bakery where we'd gotten malasadas. 

There was a farmer's market in the parking lot, and while we were mildly tempted to get more fruit, we really had enough for our own uses, and if we wanted to bring some home, it would be better to wait until Wednesday. So instead, we went into the Times Marketplace to look for something I actually found appealing, even with my gut.

And after waffling over a lot of things, we ended up with the small, 7 dollar poke bowl, with white rice. It was a mix of the Kakua nut poke and the Brok da Mouth poke, which was creamier and had artificial crab along with the ahi. We finished off their tray of Brok da Mouth. I liked the kakua nut one, as it did lend it good crunch. 

It settled my stomach enough to get us home and we went out for a walk and to exchange my kombucha bottles for a gentler mix. John had his meeting after that, and I napped during it. When I woke up, we assessed how I was doing and if we wanted to go out into the rain to do the snorkeling, and we decided not to, and instead took a longer walk back up the beach walk we rode bikes along yesterday. It was a gentle walk, but I was kind of dizzy by the end of it. We talked through a lot of what my brain had been processing at night, as well, which might have accounted for some of the nausea as well. 

Trader Joe's to the rescue. John had brought along a lot of packets of their Ginger Juice, powdered ginger in a packet, and we poured half a packet into a mug with hot water. After sipping down half of it, my stomach finally settled enough for me to watch some anime. And when it was done, I was ready to think about dinner. 

There's a chain here called No. 1 Chinese & BBQ, and it invokes all the images of cheap Chinese food, but it's only takeout and it's super popular around here, popular enough that there's three of them on the island, that we've seen so far. You order online, and pick it up. There is seating at most of them, but nearly everyone just picks their food up to go. And it's cheap. 

This was the "Seafood Combo" with fried fish, three fried shrimp, and a choice of teriyaki beef or BBQ chicken as well as rice and either a macaroni salad or a green salad. It was just 16 bucks for a whole box of food. We shared it and for a bit it looked like we'd had lunch as well; but there's something about chicken and rice. It really settled my stomach and brought back my appetite. So when John went back for seconds, I decided I could just eat the last of the chicken and rice, and that was that. 

Our evening is quiet. We have a boat trip planned for tomorrow afternoon and evening, and are probably going back to the Japanese fish shop for a bento for our lunch. Plans are good. And I'm definitely feeling better now than I was earlier. 

I am privileged. Even as a minority female, I'm privileged in this odd world, and I know that my everyday life isn't going to be hugely impacted immediately. One odd thing that helped today was from a little online business named Kwotations, run by an Asian born American lady, and she wrote to all her customers feeling absolutely absurd. She felt that in a world that was burning she was offering nothing but... well... greeting cards. I really resonated with that absurdity. And she said that she realized that all she could do was what she could to improve the world as it lay. 

I offer nothing but helping in my local community. Our church gave away 300 gun safes today, on Veteran's Day, some actually going to veterans as it was at our city's Veteran's Day celebration. Our church is a sanctuary for those seeking trans treatment.  Longmont as a whole has decided all kids won't go to prison, and the restorative justice efforts we're involved with is part of it. We do what we can do. We do what's in front of us. Yes, the larger picture is of a nation of people who are more self-interested than concerned with either moral integrity or greater good. That is something that, perhaps, even more of us need to confront and understand, not just grief on. There are so many reasons for the image of the self-involved American tourist, as a general reflection on who and what we are. 

She ended with a sticker that said, "What if it all turns out?" As a counter to all those who constantly harp on "What if everything ends in disaster?" I know I have, in the past, tended toward the latter. I want to tend toward her quote and to work toward making that happen. I understand and sympathize with those who can't, who won't, and who need to make themselves safe, first. I am privileged, so I'll do my best to make what I can better.