I have a dream. It is not a Martin Luther King Jr. type dream, sadly. There are no people, there is no place, no objects, nothing to see, nothing to hear, no smells, touch, or even the perception of having a body. All there is despair, the weight of it smothering me, taking all my breath, spirit, and heart literally and figuratively. I am dying in that dream, snuffed out without intent on whatever is destroying me. There's nothing to fight. Nothing I could do against it even if I had a body to fight with. The interesting thing for me is that this is concrete proof that I can conceive of myself as an abstract being entirely independent of body. The essential me negated. I would usually wake up sobbing, and the despair overwhelmed me. Often the dream came when I have some form of asthma. The very first time I had it was just before I left Allie. Immediately after that break up I had it a handful of times, and some part of my head decided that sleep was not my friend. It didn'...
A Posse Ad Esse