Closure

I think the hardest thing about this whole thing was that Mom couldn't really talk or process any of it with us. She couldn't voice her thoughts and couldn't do anything for Dad or us about the end of our relationship with her. By the time we found out the tumor had already taken her ability to word. Oddly, luckily, I've had to make closure for myself quite a few times in my past often without input from the other person that was involved. 

We actually had a very good visit with her for the first few days. She was smiling every time we saw her, and she even had a morning where she ate an entire bowl of fortified cereal and we were able to take her out for a walk with Dad. But by the second to last day she'd stopped eating and even drinking. 

I got my time with her. Alone. Without the protection of my husband and without the anxiety of my father or the incessant talking of my sister. Mom was asleep, fitful, restlessly so, but even when she woke she would nod off again quickly. I was skeptical about last words at bedsides, but I had the courage to take the time for myself and to let me say what I would. 

I started with the prayers and blessings from our congregation and pastor. That everyone was praying for her and thinking of her and us. The assurance that God and her father would be there for her when the time came. She's a mildly lapsed Catholic, but it seemed a thing that would give her comfort to know, and her body stilled as I said it. 

There's a thought in Frieren: Beyond Journey's End from the priest: that a Good Goddess who will be there when we die is a convenient thing to believe in, and I think that whether or not the belief is True, it makes me happier and a better person than I would be without it. It doesn't hurt that there's been studies that belief in higher powers is healthier for people to have, just like the studies that cynicism has serious health consequences. 

After the set things I had to say, I was lost as to what would be useful to say. "I love you" and "I know you love me" were easy, well-practiced, and necessary. But what next? 

It's only in movies or stories that one gets to sit by a death bed and get complete closure with a coherent set of Words, I think. I talked a little about past memories, ways I'd known she loved me. But relationships are complex. I realized as she stirred that I didn't want her to wake up and see me. That in many ways I've hidden from her and her fear and disapproval for my whole life, everything from running with the SE side boys in high school to ducking her disapproval of our retirement in our early forties. She's always been afraid for me. Even in situations where I wanted to be brave. She never really understood how I could have been the leader of a church for two years, why I would retire, stopping my ability to make money, to give my child my time and presence, or many of the other things I've chosen to do that she would never have thought possible.

It was such a startling thought that even now I really didn't want her to see me. Not the real me, just the expected me, the first child she was so proud of, engineer, artist, mother: the one who did everything she wanted me to do and nothing she was afraid of me doing. And I know that that is the Phyllis she really loves. Liralen and Autogyro made no sense to her and therefore didn't exist. But maybe that is true of many relationships, people see what they expect, most look no further. Precious few, like John, Linda, Isabel, George, and my closest friends celebrate the whole of me.

I kissed her brow, said a quiet prayer over her, and she sighed and relaxed. And I left, comforted. I think I'll be okay now, grieving still but without regrets, if she dies while we're traveling.

Dad has a heart valve condition that he's been able to ignore since his forties. That's fifty years of benevolent neglect. But with Mom's condition, he's started to feel the effects. Luckily, valve transplants these days are common, quick, and relatively straightforward. Our big task of this visit was to talk with his surgeon and figure out the timing with our New Zealand trip. All of that went very smoothly, after the surgeon's office moved the appointment on Friday (just before we left for San Diego) from Tuesday to Wednesday at the time we were supposed to be leaving for the airport and John and I had to jump through the hoops of moving our flight and extending our hotel stay. 

We had to laugh after all of that and be grateful for the practice of being able to change travel arrangements so quickly. I suspect that our flexibility with regards to travel conditions is only going to serve us well as we head into our three week trip to New Zealand.

And all of that went very well indeed, and we've scheduled the time to be here in San Diego when he has his surgery and will be here to see him home and make sure he has some good time to recover in comfort. So all of that worked out great.

At the beginning of the trip, John said that we were going to take the time to take care of ourselves this time. The last two trips were so short we basically had all our meals with Dad and didn't go much further than Dad's neighborhood for anything. This time, however, we took the time to go to In n Out right by the hotel and do a quick tour of the San Diego river side (which runs for maybe a few weeks each year) to take some samples of the graffiti on the concrete walls containing the water.

We also went to Sushi Ota, which I haven't been to in decades, but remembered as being the premier sushi shop in the area. It's older now, and Ota has moved on, himself; but it was still very good. Sushi by the ocean is a great experience and different than when one is a mile above the ocean. Especially when Sushi Ota was first established because of the plentitude and quality of the sea urchins in La Jolla's waters. We had some, and it was delicious fresh, cantaloupe and heart of the sea all in one mellow bite. 

We walked La Jolla Cove with Dad. We went to Balboa Park and revisited the Japanese Friendship Garden and I got photo bombed by hummingbirds out for the newly opened cherry blossoms, much as the tourists were. We also ate a lot of Chinese food with Dad, going to a dumpling shop I'd always wanted to explore, and an excellent Chinese restaurant named the Szechuan Chef that had amazing dishes including a pumpkin and ribs that I'd never had before. And we finally got the Take Out Family Style Dinner from the Vegetarian East Indian restaurant we've been haunting since Mom got sick.  All good things.

So it was a good trip.

And we're now all packed and ready to go to New Zealand. I'll probably see you on the other side with too many pictures and some thoughts.  Take care!